When A Parent Does the Unthinkable

In the wake of several police officer suicides, one of the issues that surfaces is how to tell the young children of the officer that their father/mother has done the unthinkable: killed themselves.  The fact that a parent is a peace officer adds an additional element of confusion to a child who knows their parent has a profession where they largely help people, save people’s lives, and “catch the bad guys.”  Why would Daddy or Mommy turn on themselves?  Telling a child that their parent has taken their own life needs to be handled with extreme care and compassion.

People often think children do not know what is going on or they are too young to fully grasp what is occurring in their present environment.  This simply isn’t true.  Children are very aware.  They are especially tuned into their parents.  We often think it is best not to discuss upsetting things with children, thereby shielding them from some discomfort that they simply could not bear.  The problem is, non-communication is still communication, and children are excellent observers.  

“What we say about death to our children, or when we say it, will depend on their ages and experiences. It will also depend on our own experiences, beliefs, feelings, and the situations we find ourselves in, for each situation we face is somewhat different. Some discussions about death may be stimulated by a news report or a television program and take place in a relatively unemotional atmosphere; other talks may result from a family crisis and be charged with emotions.” (http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html) 

Suicide is a topic from which parents want to protect their child.  One problem with not being honest with your child is that they may hear the truth from an outside source, which then may add to the painful experience the child is having, and may cause harm to the trusting relationship between surviving parent and child.  

It is important to communicate the truth in words and terms the child can understand and comprehend.  Even if the giver of the information is an affected person, it is important to allow the child to ask questions and express feelings openly.  The child needs to be allowed to grieve in the way they grieve.  Their way is the right way.  Offer to talk with them more if they would like.  Always stay honest, even if you don’t know.

Remember to respond in any way that feels most comforting for you and your child. Here are some possible ways to respond:

• You can tell a child “we may never know why.” 
• You could say that the person “did not want to die, but was not thinking clearly at the moment,” or “was not thinking in the right way, at that time.” 
• You also could say that the person “was not himself or herself” and “didn’t mean for it to happen.” 
• If the child is very young and still does not understand, you could say that the person’s “brain was not working." 
• If you prefer, you can also say that the person who died “had a lot of adult problems and adult stress, and did not reach out to others for help. It always is important to reach out for help when problems get very big. All problems get fixed over time.”  
• You also can say that the person “made a mistake, or a wrong choice, because there is always another way out.” 
• Another important response is that “all problems are temporary, not permanent, and that problems can always be made better.”
• What is most important is that the child knows that “it is no one’s fault,” and there always are ways to make things better.” 

More information is available on the Parent's Trauma Resource Center:(http://www.tlcinst.org/PTRCtalking.html)    

Suicide is never an easy topic, let alone event to survive.  From support groups to therapy, there is help available.  The most important thing to remember is that you do not have to go through this alone.