Karen Goehring - MFT Licensed Therapist serving the San Francisco Bay Area

        Recently, on the radio, I heard that Facebook has detrimental effects on many users.  They indicated that depression, isolation, and general poor feelings of self are affected by being on Facebook.  In fact, they reported that the Surgeon General was going to attach a warning, much like the warning on a pack of cigarettes, that using Facebook can be dangerous to your health, mental health anyway.  Since I’m unable to qualify the information given on the radio, I decided to do some searching of my own as to the negative or positive effects of Facebook.
            One article, entitled Mirror Mirror on My Facebook Wall: Effects of Exposure to Facebook on Self Esteem (https://psy.psych.colostate.edu/Research/Spring/Article10.pdf),
indicates that self esteem can be positively influenced because information posted is selective and therefore elicits positive comments from others.  Given that this information is subjective and not observed behavior of the individual, there is no real-time feedback of how that individual actually behaves.  Whether pictures are posted, statuses are updated, or comments made on others’ pages, much thought can be put into how one presents him/herself on Facebook.  If one wanted, one could create a completely false self to present to the Facebook world and live in the pretense of that reality.  So now, if one is comparing their life to that of someone on FB who created this false reality, will that create poor feelings of self?
            Another article, entitled The High Cost of Facebook Exhibitionism (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201304/the-high-cost-facebook-exhibitionism), talks about how “image management” is the primary focus of users, especially young females, and that a great deal of time is spent boosting their quest for popularity.  Whether posting pictures out with friends, drinking, bearing cleavage or other body parts, or posing in compromising positions, all are done for one purpose:  attention seeking. 
            Amazingly, this phenomenon is not limited to the young.  Adults in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s, can be seen displaying the same type of Facebook behaviors as those who are junior to them.  And it’s true what the article above asks:  why do you feel the need to share what you are sharing on a public social network?  Are you seeking attention? Do you need to be seen a certain way?  And finally, is it working for you?  Do you feel better about yourself for the perception you have created? Do you feel more loved, more connected, and more accepted because of your interaction on Facebook?  If not, do you notice yourself feeling more depressed / isolated / alone? 
            If you’ve found that you are in the addictive hold of Facebook, it may be time to reach out and get help. One article, 7 Telltale Signs of Facebook Addiction (http://www.hongkiat.com/blog/facebook-addiction-signs), notes the following signs of Facebook addiction:  1. Over sharing,  2. Checking FB whenever possible,  3. Overly concerned with FB image,  4. Reporting on FB,  5. Spending hours browsing FB every day,  6. Mad rush to add more friends,  7.  Compromising offline social life, and I’d like to add the last one – inability to deactivate your account for any period of time.  
             If nothing else, there is worth in self-reflection regarding your use of Facebook, or perhaps your children’s use of Facebook.  It’s worth asking whether it is doing more harm than good in you or your loved ones’ life.  If harm is being done, it may be time to seek help.  Besides, face-to-face contact with friends is way more rewarding and way more real.  As humans, we need that.

           As I review the New York Times and see a picture on the front page of dead bodies wrapped in cloth, all from chemical weapons and then think about my work in trauma, I often contemplate various forms of trauma exposure.  While some people live trauma:  police officers, enlisted military personnel, firefighters, paramedics; abused children, women, elderly, dependent adults, and even men on some occasions; emergency room personnel;  victims of crimes too heinous to mention;  people in third world countries where war and oppression are part of the daily routine, how are people here – the land of the free, home of the brave – being so exposed to trauma?  And what is the impact of that exposure?
            First, it is worth mentioning what a daily dose of trauma can look like just by watching TV.    I can recall, in just one hour of watching the news, hearing the following:  “drive-by shooting where 2 innocent children were gunned down,” “fatal stabbing involving an 80 year woman, who was the victim’s grandson,” “head-on collision killing 4 teenagers,” and then there are the more “petty” crimes like burglary, assault, and vandalism.  Many, if not most, of the incidents mentioned include a visual display of the crime scene.  If there isn’t actual footage of the victims themselves, there will be some depiction of the carnage or aftermath of that incident.  Add to that the graphic verbal description by reporters to those scenes,  the exposure is high.  Trauma imprints via the 5 senses:  sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste.  Our media gives us sight and sound when normally we would have no exposure or only have information. 
            As I do my work with those suffering from acute stress reactions and post-traumatic stress responses to trauma, it is worth mentioning some diagnostic criteria for trauma as it relates to exposure.  Diagnostic criteria of PTSD and/or Acute Stress Disorder relating to exposure to trauma contains one or more of the following:  experiencing, witnessing, or being confronted with an event involving actual/threatened death or serious injury;  person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror; symptoms include such things as numbing, detachment, avoidance, derealization, depersonalization, dissociative amnesia.  (partial list)
            So what is my point?  My point is this: the Media thrives on the negative, graphic, sensationalized telling of the violence in the world.  It is what gets ratings.  But the exposure the viewer inadvertently gets can lead to negative symptoms, including a negative world view and fear.   It is up to you, the viewer, to protect yourself from the detrimental effects of the media.  Turn your TV off.  Get your news from sources that don’t only report on violence in the world.  And finally, make sure you are seeking out healthy experiences that bring you joy and leave you feeling happy and hopeful.   Keep a healthy balance in your life by including experiences that make you feel good. 
            In an age of rapid evolution of technology and internet access, the user or viewer has to stay alert to self-care and self-protection.  In so doing, it becomes possible to avoid acute stress / post traumatic stress reactions.  

In the wake of several police officer suicides, one of the issues that surfaces is how to tell the young children of the officer that their father/mother has done the unthinkable: killed themselves.  The fact that a parent is a peace officer adds an additional element of confusion to a child who knows their parent has a profession where they largely help people, save people’s lives, and “catch the bad guys.”  Why would Daddy or Mommy turn on themselves?  Telling a child that their parent has taken their own life needs to be handled with extreme care and compassion.

People often think children do not know what is going on or they are too young to fully grasp what is occurring in their present environment.  This simply isn’t true.  Children are very aware.  They are especially tuned into their parents.  We often think it is best not to discuss upsetting things with children, thereby shielding them from some discomfort that they simply could not bear.  The problem is, non-communication is still communication, and children are excellent observers.  

Suicide is a topic from which parents want to protect their child.  One problem with not being honest with your child is that they may hear the truth from an outside source, which then may add to the painful experience the child is having, and may cause harm to the trusting relationship between surviving parent and child.  

It is important to communicate the truth in words and terms the child can understand and comprehend.  Even if the giver of the information is an affected person, it is important to allow the child to ask questions and express feelings openly.  The child needs to be allowed to grieve in the way they grieve.  Their way is the right way.  Offer to talk with them more if they would like.  Always stay honest, even if you don’t know.

Remember to respond in any way that feels most comforting for you and your child. Here are some possible ways to respond:

• You can tell a child “we may never know why.” 
• You could say that the person “did not want to die, but was not thinking clearly at the moment,” or “was not thinking in the right way, at that time.” 
• You also could say that the person “was not himself or herself” and “didn’t mean for it to happen.” 
• If the child is very young and still does not understand, you could say that the person’s “brain was not working." 
• If you prefer, you can also say that the person who died “had a lot of adult problems and adult stress, and did not reach out to others for help. It always is important to reach out for help when problems get very big. All problems get fixed over time.”  
• You also can say that the person “made a mistake, or a wrong choice, because there is always another way out.” 
• Another important response is that “all problems are temporary, not permanent, and that problems can always be made better.”
• What is most important is that the child knows that “it is no one’s fault,” and there always are ways to make things better.” 

More information is available on the Parent's Trauma Resource Center:(http://www.tlcinst.org/PTRCtalking.html)    

Suicide is never an easy topic, let alone event to survive.  From support groups to therapy, there is help available.  The most important thing to remember is that you do not have to go through this alone.